Meaningless

I recently came off Facebook. I was determined not to be a drama llama and announce that I was leaving beforehand as I hate it when other people do that. However, by quietly slipping out the back door a funny thing happened... no-one really noticed I was gone. I'm not sure what I expected to happen, or what I wanted to happen, but the deafening silence that followed was sobering to say the least. It got me thinking. A lot.

The first thing I noticed about not being on Facebook was how much of a habit it had become. The first thing I do each morning is look at my phone to see what notifications I've got. This usually then leads to me checking Facebook and catching up on all the stuff in my news feed. By not being on there anymore I felt really out of the loop.

The second thing I noticed was that I don't actually go to people's pages to see what they're up to. I tend to get updates just through the news feed, which of course is governed by an algorithm that feeds you more of what you 'like'. The problem with this is that friends who don't post much get pushed down the list and so can get overlooked. I have a few friends I have set to 'see first' but I realised that they may not have done the same for my posts.

I also realised that using Facebook is a way of getting stuff off my chest and I selfishly assumed that others would want to hear it. What has become glaringly obvious is that, actually, no-one really gives a shit. In much the same way, I'm writing this blog as a way to get stuff 'out' but as I won't be posting a direct link on facebook, the reality is that no-one will read it.

I should acknowledge that two people reached out to me by text to see if I was ok. This meant the world to me. However, those who I thought would be first to notice my absence haven't even noticed, or if they have they haven't acknowledged it.

I'll be honest. In the last 7 days I've felt suicidal. I haven't done anything about it, more out of a sense of duty than anything else. I know I'm needed and so I carry on but I haven't wanted to. I feel more alone than I ever have before. I dislike myself intensely. There are so many things I would like to change about myself but consistently fail in my attempts to do so.

Just keep swimming, swimming, *drowning*, just keep swimming...